


It Feels Like the End

by snarfette



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2018-01-17 14:08:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1390621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snarfette/pseuds/snarfette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is devastated when he tragically loses the love of his life. He clings to his routine to keep him keep afloat, but maybe what he actually needs is a change from that to help him move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1. I’ve started falling apart, I’m not savouring life

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any person mentioned in this story. I'm not making any money from writing this. It's all make believe and will never happen.
> 
> This plot came to me all of a sudden and I had to get it written straight away but I am a bit nervous about it as it's a little different from my usual style. I'd love to receive some feedback to know what you thought. 
> 
> Title for Chapter 1 comes from Biffy Clyro's amazingly moving 'Machines'.

1\. I’ve started falling apart, I’m not savouring life

A routine. That was what they said he needed. That would help. Having a routine would bring some sense of normality back to his life. It would help him to ‘move on’.

Get up. Make himself a cup of tea and leave it to cool while he got dressed for work. Walk to the tube station. Catch the train to work. Go about his duties and make small talk with work colleagues. Head to Starbucks during his lunchbreak. More work, more small talk. Back on the tube and back home. Deal with phone calls from his friends or his mum (to check how he was doing). Maybe eat something, as long as it was easy to make or order in. Crawl into bed and try to sleep.

Occasionally, something additional would interfere with his routine. Usually something along the lines of Zayn dragging him along to a restaurant or Niall making him meet them at the pub. More often than not he agreed to his friend’s requests, mostly to keep them happy and because these days they refused to take no for an answer. He didn’t really understand why they wanted to spend any time with him anymore. He wasn’t the same person anymore; he was a shadow of who he used to be and he knew he wasn’t fun to be around. He couldn’t remember how to be fun anymore.

***

Lunchtime: Starbucks (part of the routine). A cheese and ham Panini sat on a plate in front of Louis, a few bites taken before it had been discarded. Eating ‘properly’ was part of his routine but it was one part that he didn’t stick to particularly well. A cup of tea always went down well though. Louis was focused on the _Metro_ spread out in front of him. He used to enjoy ‘people watching’ in crowded places but now it just made him feel worse somehow.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” A slow, deep voice interrupted his reading and for a moment Louis considered ignoring it. It wouldn’t be someone talking to him. But then he felt a presence standing beside his table and he dragged his eyes away from the article about alcohol helping to fight off the common cold. His eyes kept moving up and up, over a slender frame dressed in impossibly tight jeans and a loose fitting t-shirt, before he reached a tentatively smiling face with wide green eyes and a mop of brown curly hair on top.

Louis didn’t speak, he just blinked owlishly as if he’d been disturbed from hibernation.

The smile didn’t change as the man spoke again. “Would it be OK if I sat here? It’s just that it’s really busy in here today.”

For the first time since entering the shop, Louis looked around and realised that, yes, it was particularly busy and, yes, the seat opposite him would appear to be one of the few remaining spaces. The other table space would be across from the mother with the toddler having a tantrum and smearing sticky toffee waffle everywhere – not an ideal location.

“Um, yeah, I suppose,” Louis eventually replied.

“Thanks,” the smiling man nodded gratefully, placed his tea on the table and sat down.

Louis returned to his article but had hardly read another two sentences before he was disturbed again.  

“I take it the Panini isn’t great?” The slow, deep voice was speaking again and Louis looked up in confusion. There was a reason why people in London didn’t talk to strangers but this smiling, curly haired man obviously hadn’t received the memo.

The man gestured to Louis’ nibbled-at Panini.

Louis honestly didn’t know how to respond. This conversation was not part of his routine. This curly-haired, smiling man approaching him and speaking to him was not part of his routine.

“I…I’m just not hungry,” he finally managed to say. “There’s nothing wrong with the Panini.” He wondered why he felt that he needed to defend the snack to this stranger.

“Can’t go wrong with a good cup of tea though,” the man continued as he lifted his own cup to his lips.

Louis watched him suspiciously as he drank. This was all too far removed from the structured life he had arranged for himself. He didn’t engage in conversations with strangers in coffee shops. He abruptly stood up from his seat. The smile on the curly haired man’s face dropped a little as he looked up at Louis.

For just a moment Louis considered saying something about why he was leaving so suddenly but then wondered why he would need to justify himself to a complete stranger who had just imposed himself upon him. He grabbed his suit jacket from the back of his chair and hurried out, pulling it on as he walked.

Once he was outside and heading back towards the office he felt better. This was normal; this was his routine. He wasn’t going to think about what had just happened and let it interfere with his day. Conversations with curly-haired, smiling strangers were freak incidents that, thankfully, occurred once in a blue moon and wouldn’t be happening again.

***

Everything in Louis’ life had been amazing. Not perfect, he didn’t believe that life could ever be perfect, but amazing. He had a job he enjoyed, that paid well and kept him just the right side of busy, wonderful friends, a great flat and the man he loved in his bed every night. It was pretty damn close to perfect.

Then it happened: a phone call.

Louis had got home from work first. He would have put something on for their tea but that would have just been a disaster waiting to happen so it was best to wait for Liam to get home and whip something up. He’d probably have something his mum had given him squirreled away in a cupboard that would make some gloriously flavoursome chicken dish. One day Louis was going to take a cookery course in secret so he could surprise Liam and make him an amazingly romantic meal from scratch. One day.

When the phone rang, Louis had immediately thought it was Liam. Probably calling to say he was stuck in traffic again. He worked outside the city so while Louis used the tube everyday, Liam drove to work. They both complained about their journeys; Louis’ trains were often delayed or problems on the line meant he travelled halfway across the network to find a new route, Liam’s commute was often snarled up by accidents and tailbacks. If Liam was going to be late, maybe a takeaway would be for the best; that was a meal that Louis could actually prepare.

He answered it brightly without even looking at the caller ID, already opening the drawer to pull out the menus.

The voice at the other end wasn’t Liam.

Louis couldn’t remember much of the conversation. He couldn’t remember tearing out of the flat. He couldn’t remember getting to the hospital.

He did remember being told it was too late. He did remember falling to his knees in the stark white corridor of the hospital. He did remember screaming in anguish.

At some point, Zayn had arrived. Maybe the staff had asked him who they should call but like so much about that night, Louis couldn’t remember.

Zayn had supported him as he’d walked to a silent room, had held him up as he’d nearly collapsed again. Zayn had guided him to a chair, with tears in his own eyes, and forced him to sit. Then he had taken a step back to just stare in disbelief.

Louis had stared at the still form of his beloved boyfriend. Liam didn’t look different; he could have just been asleep. With a trembling hand, Louis had reached out and taken Liam’s hand in his own. Liam’s hand was warm, it was so much warmer than Louis’ own which surely wasn’t how it was supposed to be. It all just added to the illusion that Louis so desperately wanted to believe that Liam was just sleeping.

As his eyes roamed over Liam’s peaceful face, Louis found his thoughts wandering away to so many mornings when Liam would wake up bright and early as usual and snuggle up to Louis. Louis would groan and complain about being woken up too early and needing beauty sleep. Even with his eyes closed, Louis knew that Liam would roll his eyes dramatically and say something about how Louis didn’t _need_ any beauty sleep, before placing a soft kiss on Louis’ shoulder and pushing himself out of the bed, leaving his grumpy ‘sleep-deprived’ partner to his slumber.

It never took long before Louis would follow Liam to the kitchen. He would find him making two cups of tea, would walk up behind him and wrap his arms around him for a proper ‘Good morning’ greeting. More often than not, if they didn’t have plans, they would end up back in bed, lazily making love while the tea was forgotten in the kitchen. What else was Sunday morning for after all?

As Louis focused his blurred vision, the realisation that that was never ever going to happen again hit him and he broke down again, squeezing Liam’s hand and begging him not to leave him.

Louis had lost track of time then. Not just for a few hours, but for days on end. He knew he had been taken back to the flat. He knew that various people had visited; some seemed to come and go, others (like his mum) seemed to stay by his side permanently. He knew that arrangements were made and he either nodded his agreement numbly or snarled angrily at the suggestions. His emotions raged wildly from almost catatonic depression, to screaming fury, to body-wracking sobs. He had never been a ‘crier’ before but at the worst moments he never thought he’d be able to stop.

Liam’s funeral had taken place and Louis had felt almost detached from the whole thing. He didn’t want to be there because it just solidified everything that up until that point could have been a terrible nightmare. At the wake, he had watched the mourners and wondered how many of them would just go back to work the next day and move on with their lives. It made him angry. How could they just carry on as normal? Nothing would ever be the same again; _his_ life was never going to be ‘normal’.

Louis had shut himself away after that. He didn’t want to carry on and he didn’t want to hear endless platitudes about how Liam wouldn’t want him to give up on life or how things happen for a reason. ‘ _Fuck you_ ’ is what Louis had on the tip of his tongue in response to all of them. How the fuck did any of them know what Liam would want? What fucking reason was there for someone as good as Liam to be taken away?

Louis hated them all. They didn’t understand. Liam’s parents and sisters were the only ones who could possibly feel his loss in the same way. He knew when he looked into their eyes that he saw the same raw pain reflected back at him. But he couldn’t even bring himself to spend too much time with them. Everything reminded him too much and he was pretty sure that Liam’s parents didn’t need him bawling in front of them every day.

After a while, Louis’ friends and family had started to gently push him back towards his life. He supposed that they had decided that they had left him alone for long enough to wallow in his own despair. It was probably his mum who had started it. She wasn’t prepared to watch her son waste away in a dark flat surrounded by misery. So Louis’ routine had been laid out before him. He needed it apparently and he had accepted it without too much complaint.

That had been months ago and he was still sticking to it. It had taken a long time to start functioning and carrying out those regular tasks but now he clung to it like a lifeline. If he could maintain that structure day-in, day-out then he could keep going. He could exist. Actually _living_ seemed like an impossible dream that had died many months ago with Liam.

***

It was lunchtime so Louis was at Starbucks. A regular Tuesday; even the tube had been running exactly on time today. Nothing seemed even remotely unusual until he noticed a shadow had fallen over his newspaper.

“Hello again,” the same deep voice said as Louis looked up questioningly. “Or maybe hello for the first time actually, seeing as I don’t think I actually said it before.”

Louis’ eyes widened in disbelief at the tall, curly-haired man who was smiling at him again. What was _wrong_ with this guy?

“I just wanted to apologise for last time,” the curly-haired one said with a slight smile as he waved his hand between them. “I think I must have disturbed you and that wasn’t what I intended.”

“You…you didn’t,” Louis stuttered out. “Not really. It’s fine.”

Louis didn’t quite understand how so few words, put together in such a stilted way could cause a smile quite that bright to form, but the stranger seemed delighted for some reason.

“Good, that’s good,” the man said brightly. “So I’m going to get a cuppa, would you like anything?” he asked.

Louis just blinked at him and knew his mouth must have been hanging open slightly. Eventually, he managed a “No, thank you.”

The man smiled again (he seemed to do that a lot). “I’m Harry by the way,” he said.

“I’m…” Louis began, but then found himself stuck for some reason. How did he finish that statement? ‘I’m broken’, ‘I’m barely hanging on’, ‘I’m not worth talking to’. “I’m sorry, but I have to get back to work,” was what he settled on.

The curly-haired man – Harry - just nodded slightly but still smiled. “Well, enjoy the rest of your day.”

He seemed like he genuinely meant it. Louis managed a weak smile before he hurried away from the man for the second time.

***

Friday night brought a change from Louis’ routine again. Niall had called him and insisted that he joined them for bowling. He had arranged a night out at the bowling alley with some of his workmates and obviously invited Zayn and Louis along. Louis had been hesitant, desperately trying to think of excuses about why he couldn’t go but it wasn’t like he could say he already had plans; Niall would see straight through that seeing as Louis didn’t ever have ‘plans’ these days. Regardless of Louis’ reluctance, Niall yet again demonstrated his ability to completely ignore it and Louis found himself picked up by Zayn and driven to the bowling alley.

Zayn had been a constant supportive presence by Louis’ side since Liam’s death. Zayn and Liam had been best friends since college, long before Louis had burst into their lives. They had been incredibly close and Louis knew that at some point in the years before he had met them, they had slept together. At first, Louis had found it weird and uncomfortable to know that his boyfriend was best friends with someone that he had shagged but he was reassured that he had nothing to worry about by Liam’s obvious love for him and obviously friendly, platonic affection towards Zayn.

Over the years that Louis had been with Liam, Zayn had become one of his closest friends too. Along with Niall they had made a tight-knit foursome, the best of mates. Now they were a three-some, a thought that would have made Louis giggle like a teenager if it just wasn’t another reminder that they’d lost Liam.

Zayn had been devastated by Liam’s death. He had always been the quiet, thoughtful one. He felt things deeply and his empathy for others was powerful. In the wake of Liam’s sudden death, Zayn had been withdrawn and even quieter than before. While Louis had screamed and cried, Zayn seemed shell-shocked. Throughout it all though, he had remained by Louis’ side. He was always there to listen to Louis when he had a meltdown, was always there to check-up on Louis to make sure he was doing alright, was always there whenever Louis might need him.

When they arrived at the bowling alley, Louis and Zayn immediately located Niall by the loud laughter and crowd of people. Niall worked at the hospital on the desk in the Accident and Emergency department. It seemed a strange job for someone who was so full of enthusiasm and energy but maybe that’s why it suited him down to the ground. His blend of boundless energy and smiles was maybe exactly what was needed in such a highly stressful atmosphere.

Niall was surrounded by his co-workers, a mixture of people that worked at the hospital in various departments, all drawn to his charm. He hollered loudly when he saw Louis and Zayn approaching, ridiculous bowling shoes in hand.

“Nice one!” he beamed. “Glad you made it. Hope you’re ready to get your arses well and truly beaten.”

“Pfft!” Louis rolled his eyes. “In your dreams Nialler.”

“I reckon that’s fighting talk,” Niall commented. “Drinks are on the loser next time we’re at the pub then?”

Louis narrowed his eyes slightly. “Deal,” he agreed. It was in these rare moments that he actually felt normal, just a guy out with his friends having a laugh. Unfortunately, it never seemed to last that long.

“You two are so fucking competitive,” Zayn remarked as he pulled his shoes on.

“Yep, but unfortunately there’s no point you getting in on the action Z, seeing as you’re pretty shite,” Niall told him smugly.

“Nice try Niall. I’m not getting dragged into your stupid bet that easily,” Zayn replied simply.

“Ha! Damn you Malik! You saw straight through me,” Niall laughed brightly.  

“That’s because you’re so fucking transparent,” Zayn laughed in response.

Louis and Zayn joined the rest of the group; they had met some of Niall’s workmates before so it wasn’t totally like they were outsiders.

Louis was just returning from the bar with drinks for himself, Zayn and Niall when he stopped in his tracks. There, standing with Niall, laughing brightly, was the curly haired man – Harry – from the coffee shop. It took him a moment to force himself to keep moving. Who was that guy? And why did he keep appearing in places that Louis was? If Louis had been paranoid he might have started to wonder if he was being followed but Niall seemed to know Harry. In fact it seemed like quite a few people in the group knew him. Did he work at the hospital?

Louis sat back down next to Zayn and handed him his drink, whilst still staring at the laughing figure standing nearby. Just as he decided he needed to look away and stop over-analysing, Harry looked straight in his direction. He caught his eyes and Louis was actually pleased to see a look of surprise on Harry’s face – at least that ruled out the ‘being followed’ theory. Louis looked away quickly to focus on Zayn taking his shot.

A little later, when Niall had mingled with his friends sufficiently, he plopped down next to Louis and elbowed him in the ribs.

“Thanks for coming tonight,” he said with a smile. He didn’t need to bolt on anything else like, ‘it’s good to see you out and about’ or ‘it’ll do you good to mix with other people’; those things were obviously, ever-present in his friends’ minds.

“Thanks for inviting me,” Louis replied, even though he wouldn’t have been bothered about being left at home to dwell on his misery.

“How do you know that guy?” Louis asked as he gestured towards Harry who had now joined in with the bowling.

“Harry?” Niall asked immediately. “He works in A&E. He’s a nurse. Been there about a year. Why do you ask?”

“I just…recognise him,” Louis answered.

“Well, he’s a great bloke,” Niall continued. “A real good laugh.”

Louis nodded slightly before changing the subject. At least he was sure now that Harry’s presence was a mere coincidence.

As the evening continued, Niall insisted that the group were mixed up so that different people were playing against each other on the lanes that he had reserved. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Louis that he ended up playing on the same lane as Harry – of course he did, it seemed like someone somewhere was practically pushing them together. Harry smiled and nodded at Louis when he moved over to the lane but didn’t try to engage him in conversation which was actually unusual based on Louis’ previous experiences with him.

The bowling continued and Louis found himself trying to hide a disbelieving smirk at how truly abysmal Harry was at the game. He was being left far behind on the score board but the whole time he was beaming and laughing along as his work colleagues mocked him. After another disastrous shot, Harry turned back with a shrug and caught Louis shaking his head with a slight smile on his face.

“Are you laughing at me?” Harry asked with mock outrage on his face.

“No, no,” Louis answered immediately, a little flustered at being caught watching.

“Good,” Harry told him firmly but still with a smile on his face, “because it’s not very nice to laugh at people with disabilities that impact upon their ability to play.”

Louis raised his eyebrows in question.

“I’m too tall for this game,” Harry told him in what was obviously his attempt at a serious tone. “I’m at a serious disadvantage. My limbs are too long and uncoordinated.”

Louis barked out a laugh at the comment before he schooled his face into a look of understanding. “I’m not sure that that’s a valid excuse for the terrible display I’ve witnessed this evening.”

“Of course it is,” Harry argued as he sat down on the bench near to Louis.

“Well if tallness is your problem, how come that guy over there has been getting strikes the whole time?” Louis asked as he pointed towards a man a few lanes down from theirs who was clearly over 6 feet tall. Almost as though he was demonstrating Louis’ point, he took his shot and succeeded in knocking all of the pins down yet again.

Harry watched with a critical eye before he turned back to Louis. “Professional,” he stated simply. “I bet he’s got his own bowling lane at home.”

Louis raised a sceptical eyebrow at that. “If he’s got his own bowling lane at his house, why has he come here?” he challenged.

“Well, obviously sometimes he has to come and mingle with the commoners to check out the competition. And he probably uses his wicked bowling skills to pick up women,” Harry supplied like it was the most obvious answer.

The way his response had come so automatically made Louis wonder if it did actually make sense but he still laughed lightly at Harry’s explanation. “So, you’ve obviously got him figured out,” he said. “What about that guy at the bar?”

And with that, Harry launched into imaginative explanations about the lives of several people at the bowling alley. His ideas ranged from quite reasonable to wildly dramatic and Louis found himself laughing along with Harry’s exaggerated stories between taking their turns to bowl.

By the end of the evening, nearly every person that they didn’t know had been analysed by Harry, and Louis had even contributed several details to their made-up lives. Harry had summarised by saying that “there’s more than meets the eye to everyone” before grinning widely at Louis and bidding him “goodnight”.

Sitting in Zayn’s car on the drive home, Louis actually thought how pleased he was to have been badgered into going out. He had enjoyed himself – which seemed like a rare occurrence these days. For the first time in a long while, he hadn’t sat at home feeling sorry for himself or resented everyone else around him for having a good time.

When they pulled up outside Louis’ flat, Zayn turned and looked at him for a long moment. “I’m glad you had a good time tonight Lou,” he said. “It’s nice to see you smile and actually mean it.”

Louis felt his brow furrow at Zayn’s words for a moment before he leaned over and pulled him into a one-armed hug. “Thanks for tonight and the lift. I’ll see you later Z.”

As Louis settled down in bed, he thought about how he had enjoyed his evening. While he thought that he relied on his routine to help him keep his head above water, the break from it tonight had actually helped him to feel better than he had for a long time. Regardless of tonight’s one off event, he knew that tomorrow would be another day filled with the battle to keep struggling on and the usual mundane structure that his life had become.


	2. 2.  I’ve forgotten how good it could be to feel alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title again comes from Biffy Clyro, 'Machines'.

2\. I’ve forgotten how good it could be to feel alive

 

It was well into the next week before Louis encountered Harry again. As he had predicted, he had fallen back into his usual, daily routines and Wednesday was no different. He was in Starbucks as usual, with his head bowed over the paper and his cup of tea cooling on the table-top. Before he had even noticed that Harry was there, the taller man had plopped into the chair opposite him. As always he was smiling as he greeted Louis with a nod.

“What’s the plural of moose?” Harry asked without preamble.

Louis looked at him in confusion for a moment. Was that really how a sane person started a conversation? He screwed up his nose as he replied eventually, “Um…moose, I guess.”

“Hmm,” Harry hummed and he looked genuinely thoughtful. “I feel kinda bad for the moose really.”

Louis couldn’t help but ask why, even as he wondered why he was getting dragged into such a bizarre discussion.

“Well, it sucks that it doesn’t get a different plural name. Why isn’t it meese? Like goose becomes geese, so why isn’t it the same? Or it could be something totally different like moosi,” Harry gave Louis a look that clearly meant he was quite serious about the whole thing.

Louis shook his head but laughed lightly anyway. “I don’t know what to tell you I’m afraid; I guess it just sucks to be a moose.”

“Yeah,” Harry continued, before adding. “What about a baby moose? Is that like, a mosling?”

Louis actually laughed loudly at that before he clapped his hand over his mouth with his eyes wide. He almost felt startled by his own outburst.

Harry was grinning at him with a smile so wide it looked almost uncomfortable and Louis found himself wondering where Harry had come from. His energetic, quirky outlook seemed out of place in the busy, repetitive day-to-day life that Louis had become accustomed to. What was going on in Harry’s head that allowed him to come up with such weird things? And what made him feel totally at ease with approaching strangers in coffee shops and striking up conversations about Paninis?  

It wasn’t that Louis was critical of Harry – far from it. Harry’s enthusiasm for life actually reminded Louis of himself, or at least of version of himself that had existed a long time ago.

It felt like a lifetime ago that Louis had bounded onto a tube train just as the high-pitched beeps indicated that the doors were closing; two seconds later and he’d have missed it. There were only a few seats left and while he wouldn’t have minded standing, his attention was caught by a gorgeous bloke who must have been about his age sitting by himself. With a quick glance in the window to check his reflection, Louis smiled brightly as he took the seat next to the man.

He didn’t hesitate before turning to him and saying, “So, you don’t have headphones in and your head’s not buried in a book which leads me to think that maybe you’re hoping that someone will start a conversation with you.”

The man had looked at Louis in disbelief and his mouth had flapped open once or twice, but Louis had also seen the interest reflected back at him in those brown eyes so he had continued chattering away.

By the time they reached the man’s – Liam’s – stop, Louis had decided he knew what he wanted and had actually hopped off the train even though it wasn’t his destination. As the platform had cleared, Louis had revealed that fact to Liam, who had (not for the first time) looked at him in awe, but instead of suggesting anything too forward he simply produced a piece of paper from his messenger bag, scribbled his number on it and slipped it into the pocket of Liam’s plaid shirt. The next train was already pulling into the station by that time, so Louis had given a bright smile and hopped on as the doors opened. As he stood holding the overhead bar, he glanced out of the window to see Liam standing on the platform still looking at him with a shy smile on his face. Louis had known in that moment that he’d be getting a phone call.

But that seemed so distant now as Louis trudged through his life. He wasn’t like that happy-go-lucky guy anymore and he certainly didn’t have the spirit to start random conversations. Not like Harry obviously did. But then again, Louis thought, maybe he didn’t need to _start_ the conversations. Maybe he could just participate in them. The other night at the bowling alley had been one of the best evenings he’d had in a long time and that was mostly down to Harry’s oddness.

“I’d go with mooselet,” Louis said randomly. “Or possibly moosketeer.”

Harry threw his head back and guffawed so loudly that several other customers looked towards their table. Louis didn’t even find that he cared that much. It was just nice to laugh and actually make someone else laugh.

“That is definitely something we should suggest to the people that name the animals,” Harry told him as he continued chuckling.

“’The people that _name_ the animals,’” Louis repeated. “What the hell are you going on about?” But he was laughing too now and it felt pretty good.

***

It wasn’t a daily occurrence, but every so often Harry would appear at the coffee shop at the same time as Louis. Their conversations were often weird as Harry pondered which animals were the ‘best’, but insisted on Louis giving ‘valid’ reasons for his nominations, or which room of the house would be the best to be trapped in for 48 hours. Somewhere amongst their meetings they had actually started talking about ‘real’ things like where they worked and their families. And somehow, Harry had managed to get Louis’ number off him and now texted him with bizarre scenarios and issues of ‘great importance’ like what a crocodile’s ‘nose’ was called. ‘ _A snout’_ Louis had replied, but only after he’d googled it to check that he wouldn’t sound stupid.

During one of their more serious conversations, Louis had asked if Harry had ‘someone special’ in his life; he couldn’t even really understand why he wanted to know.

“I have lots of _special_ people in my life,” Harry had laughed. “But not in the way I think you mean, no.”

Louis had just nodded and chewed on his lower lip a little, before lowering his eyes to scrutinise the table top. He knew he’d opened himself up for Harry to ask him the same question and he hated having to explain it to people.

After a moment of watching him carefully, Harry had said slowly and gently, “You had someone special in _your_ life…but not anymore.” He spoke with such confidence; it was like he already knew.

Louis looked up at him sharply. Lots of things flashed through his mind; how did Harry know? Had Niall told him about Liam? And if he had, he had no right. He felt angry, even though that was probably irrational; it wasn’t like some secret that had been blabbed to a total stranger.

“What did Niall say?” he asked in a snappish tone.

Harry’s eyebrows lifted a little at Louis’ reaction. “Niall hasn’t said anything. It’s just…it’s just a feeling I get from you; a feeling that you’ve lost someone. And…it’s left _you_ lost.”

Louis felt himself deflate instantly. He should have known that Niall wouldn’t go around telling his work colleagues what had happened during their breaks. Niall had grieved for Liam just like they all had. He was quiet for a long time as he composed himself. “I did lose someone,” he eventually said. He looked up at Harry and they locked eyes. “My boyfriend, Liam…was killed in a car accident. Last year.”

There - he’d said it. Now he would wait for the usual pitying expression to appear on Harry’s face and the usual comments about how sorry he was for his loss. The ‘ _oh, I’m so sorry_ ’ face didn’t make Louis feel any better. It didn’t make him miss Liam any less. He knew that the person wearing the look was trying to be sympathetic but Louis really just hated it.

Harry’s face didn’t change into a look of pity; he just blinked slowly at Louis for a long moment. “That’s really sad,” he said softly. “I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you.”

Louis was more than a little surprised but then he wondered why he was. Harry wasn’t like everyone else he knew so it shouldn’t have been a shock that he responded in a different way; a way that was actually refreshingly honest. Harry seemed to have a totally different outlook on life and Louis found some sense of comfort in that.

***

It seemed like some of Harry’s enjoyment of life was rubbing off on Louis, as he found himself more willing to participate in life in general. He was totally breaking away from his usual routine and, for the first time in what seemed like forever, he felt happier. He accepted Zayn and Niall’s invitations to go out much more easily these days and had been delighted when Harry had turned up at the pub on more than one occasion. He enjoyed spending time with Harry. Harry made him feel something other than sadness; he couldn’t quite put his finger on _what_ it was that he felt but it was infinitely better than the misery he had felt since Liam’s death. Things just felt like they were getting easier. It was easier to get out of bed every morning and easier to join in with the jokes and banter when he was with his friends.

***

Regardless of Louis’ changing perspective on life, things weren’t suddenly all shiny and happy. He still had bad days; days when he wanted to be left alone to be sad and days where he missed Liam so much that he cried.

Important dates in their relationship were days that Louis knew he might as well right-off. Christmas and birthdays, special occasions – all reminders of the person missing beside Louis.

It was one of those days. Their anniversary. They had always joked about how they had decided on that particular date being their anniversary. It was the day they had gone on their second date; the first time they’d kissed properly and the day that Liam said he had known that he would never want to be with anyone else except Louis. It was all ridiculously romantic and far too soppy for Louis (or so he’d claimed) but Liam had insisted on that date so it had stuck.

Somehow Louis had forced himself out of bed and into work. By lunchtime, the ache he felt in his chest had spread to his head and he was in a less than positive mood. He just wanted to be left alone so he could get through his working day, then go home and probably flick through old photos on his laptop until he cried himself to sleep.

Of course, he wasn’t going to be left alone and Harry slipped into the chair opposite him and plonked his sandwich down on the table as had become the norm. Louis barely even acknowledged him, as Harry launched into telling him about his crazy shift at the hospital yesterday.

Louis remained quiet throughout the story, not even bothering to comment like he usually did. When Harry’s words had finally seemed to dry up, Louis just sighed deeply and looked back at his paper.

“Is everything alright Lou?” Harry asked in concern.

Louis looked back up at him slowly and just stared for what was probably a weird length of time. Harry didn’t flinch, he just looked back at Louis as though he was waiting for something to happen.

“How can you always be so bloody happy about everything?” Louis asked him. He could hear the scorn in his own voice and for a moment he wondered why he was taking his woes out on Harry – cheerful, bright, smiling Harry who didn’t come into the coffee shop asking to be dragged down and depressed by Louis.

“I’m not _always_ happy Louis,” Harry replied slowly. “Sometimes I have shit days and sometimes I wonder what the hell I’m doing and _why_ I’m doing it.”

Louis let out a bitter laugh. “Well you do a good job of acting happy then.”

“I like to think that I am happy most of the time. But sometimes things get to me. No-one’s happy all the time. You just have to choose how to deal with the shit things that might bring you down,” Harry told him.

“You’re obviously a lot better at that than me,” Louis said bitterly. “Like how do you deal with your job? How do you deal with all that pain and suffering and death every day?”

Harry gave him a considering look. He was obviously thinking carefully about his answer and then he smiled gently at Louis like he understood what was going on. “I deal with those things because every day they’re balanced out by hope and relief and love. I don’t let all the sad and painful things take away from all the life and joy I see every day.”

Louis was silent in response. He just stared at Harry in awe like he had solved some great mystery. How did Harry always know what to say? And why were his words always so different to everyone else’s? When Louis had a ‘bad day’ everyone usually rallied around him and let him act like a sulky teenager, they let him be angry and sarcastic and sometimes nasty. But here was Harry telling him how to get past his pain rather than let it pull him down into despair. There was a familiar stinging in Louis’ eyes and he was suddenly mortified that he was about to cry in the middle of Starbucks. He looked down at the table top quickly and tried to compose himself.

“Man U are playing tonight,” Harry said after a few quiet minutes. “Do you fancy going to the pub to watch the game?”

Louis managed to look up and saw Harry smiling sweetly at him. He had a choice now; go home and be alone and sad, or go to the pub with Harry and actually keep living. “I’d really like that,” he said with a watery smile.

***

Niall was like some sort of party-planner and had arranged yet another get together of his friends, this time at the pub around the corner from the hospital where he and Harry worked. Louis and Zayn were invited as usual and Louis was actually happy to attend.

It didn’t take long before Louis found himself a little tipsy. He hadn’t done a lot of drinking for a while as he had become a miserable drunk the last few times he had, so now the few drinks he’d had had made him giddy and talkative.

Louis was sitting with Zayn when Harry came and joined them. They all chattered away easily and it was just so nice. Niall joined them after a while and Louis was so happy that he had good friends around him.

After seeking Zayn’s opinion on the best animals, which had caused Zayn to raise his eyebrow in what looked like despair before he answered cats, Louis posed his own problem for the little group. “Do you prefer spots or stripes?” he asked seriously. “It’s surely one of life’s most challenging dilemmas.”

Harry laughed loudly, “Yes, quite the conundrum. Hmm, that requires serious thought.”

“I know right?” Louis continued. “I do like spots but I have lot of clothes with stripes.”

“Hang on,” Niall interrupted. “Which way are the stripes? Horizontal or vertical?” And he demonstrated with his hand like they might not know which was which.

“Good point,” Harry agreed with an enthusiastic nod.

“No it’s not,” said Louis shaking his head. “A stripe is a stripe, regardless of its direction.”

“ _Really?_ ” Niall asked. “Well I think it makes all the difference. If we’re talking clothes, horizontal can make you look fat.”

They all laughed at that. “Nialler, you big girl,” Louis mocked him.

“Shut up, you dick,” Niall replied. “You know you’re obsessed with clothes. And you wouldn’t be seen dead wearing something that made you look like a chunk.”

Louis looked mildly affronted, “Are you saying I’m fat?”

“Not fat,” Niall told him with a laugh. “But you do have a lot of horizontally striped t-shirts so maybe you want to keep an eye on what you eat.”

They were all laughing, particularly thanks to the scandalised look on Louis’ face.

“I’m going with stripes,” Harry declared brightly as he threw his arm around Louis’ shoulder and smiled dazzling at him. Louis returned the grin and actually cuddled up to Harry, feeling rather pleased that Harry had clearly come down on his side of the discussion.

A little later another set of glasses were empty on the table and Harry headed to the bar to get the next round. Zayn popped outside for a smoke and left Louis and Niall alone at their table.

“You and Harry seem to get on really well,” Niall remarked casually.

Louis couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face, “Yeah, he’s great.”

“I know, I told you that,” Niall said as he nudged Louis in the ribs with his elbow. He continued looking at Louis for a moment. “I’m really glad that you get on so well. It’s nice to see you looking happy Lou,” he said. “I’ve missed this.”

“Yeah,” Louis nodded. “Me too.” He looked up as Harry returned to the table with a tray of drinks and he smiled warmly at him. It seemed like he did that a lot more when Harry was around.

***

Louis had stopped drinking after Harry’s round. He had felt himself getting beyond the point of just happily tipsy and didn’t want to end up with a full-blown hangover the next day. The others had all carried on but also seemed much more able to handle their drink than Louis currently was.

When Louis had decided to call it a night, Zayn and Harry had followed his lead and they had left Niall still drinking in the pub. The three of them had wandered to the nearest tube station and then Louis and Harry had sent Zayn off in the right direction as they headed for their line.

They were chattering and joking non-stop all the way back and got off the train at the same destination to walk the rest of the way together.

When they arrived outside Harry’s flat, they stood talking outside for a long time. It was like neither of them particularly wanted the night to end. Louis was fighting an internal battle; wondering whether or not he should do something incredibly rash and kiss Harry. It had been on his mind all evening and maybe it was the alcohol urging him on but it seemed like a good idea. He just felt so much happier when he was with Harry and if just being in his presence made Louis feel better he could only imagine how kissing him would make him feel.

Since getting to know Harry he had gradually realised that he was attracted to him. At first he had been appalled with himself and had attempted to push the feeling far away but the more time he had spent with Harry the harder it had become to resist his thoughts.

Louis’ only niggling doubt was that he didn’t want to risk making things weird with Harry if he didn’t reciprocate.

Harry had been rambling on about what it would be like to be a tramp but Louis hadn’t really been listening. He was just watching Harry and his bright smile and his dimples and his hair that seemed to have a life of its own. Suddenly he lunged forward, wrapped one hand behind Harry’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss. It was lovely; just what Louis had imagined it would be like. It lasted only a few moments before Harry gently pushed him back and licked his lips. The look on his face was a mixture of shock and confusion, but he didn’t look angry.

“Lou, what are you doing?” he asked slowly. He still had his hands on Louis’ biceps from where he had pushed him away.

“Well,” Louis began. “I was kissing you.”

“I know that bit,” Harry replied. “But, why?”

Louis refrained from rolling his eyes at Harry. “Because, I wanted to.”

“Oh,” was all Harry managed at first. Then, “I think you’ve maybe had too much to drink.”

“I’ve not,” Louis told him immediately. “I’ve really not. I’m tipsy yes, but not hammered, not even close. I didn’t do it because of that. I did it because I really wanted to.”

Harry still didn’t look entirely convinced. “Lou,” he began but Louis interrupted him.

“Don’t say it Harry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it and put you in an awkward position. I just thought that maybe you liked me too.” He tried to pull away from Harry but the hands around his arms held him firmly in place.

“You like me? Like, really like me?” Harry asked quietly.

“There were too many ‘likes’ in what you just said,” Louis laughed lightly, “But yes, I really like you.”

This time it was Harry that moved and connected their lips. He pulled Louis closer and their bodies seemed to fit together. When he pulled back, he blinked slowly a few times before taking Louis’ hand and leading him towards the door of his building.

Louis had been to Harry’s flat before and it was probably a good thing because he wasn’t going to get much of a look around this time as he and Harry kissed all the way from the front door through into Harry’s bedroom.

Harry’s hands were warm against Louis’ back as he steered him through the door and towards his bed. Their kissing was frantic; like they couldn’t afford for anything to stop them now. First Louis’ t-shirt was stripped away, before Louis repeated the action with Harry’s. At the last moment before they reached the bed, Harry switched their positions so he could sit on the edge of the bed finally breaking their desperate kissing. For a moment he just looked up at Louis, with a soft look in his eyes. Louis wondered what Harry was thinking as he watched him. He wondered if Harry needed this as much as he did.

Gently, Harry reached out and hooked his fingers into Louis’ belt loops. He tugged a little and Louis willingly stepped forward into the gap between Harry’s legs. Moving away from Louis’ waistband, Harry placed his hands on Louis’ back and stroked the soft skin tenderly as he leant forward and kissed Louis’ stomach and chest. Louis sucked in a sharp breath at the sensation; he felt like every bit of skin that Harry touched was tingling and the muscles in his stomach fluttered beneath the kisses. He placed one hand on Harry’s shoulder to anchor himself somehow and the other played with the hair at the back of Harry’s neck, pulling gently when Harry’s lips teased him in just the right way.

The warm hands on his back moved and traced the line of Louis’ waistband, before undoing his top button and sliding the zip of his jeans down. The stiff material of his jeans was pushed down a little, enough to reveal the top of his boxers and allow a hand to slip inside to squeeze his arse. Then Harry shuffled back on the bed a little, pulling Louis along with him and effectively leaving him sitting straddling Harry’s lap. He cupped Louis’ cheek and they kissed again. The frenzy of earlier had faded and now they kissed more slowly, savouring the feeling and exploring each other’s mouths.  

Without breaking the kiss, Louis reached between them and began to undo Harry’s jeans. As soon as they were unfastened, he slipped his hand inside and palmed Harry’s already hard cock firmly. Harry drew in a deep breath and then moaned lowly as Louis repeated the action. Sliding his hands down Louis’ back, he began to push at the material of Louis’ jeans, moving them down until they wouldn’t go any further. Grunting in frustration at being halted in his actions, he broke away from Louis’ mouth and practically growled, “Get them off”.

Louis huffed out a little laugh at that as he slid off Harry’s lap to wriggle out of his jeans. Harry was doing the same and he decided to do away with his underwear in the same motion. Louis felt his stomach do a little flip at the sight, before copying the action and throwing his boxers to the floor. He clambered back onto the bed and retook his position straddling Harry’s legs.

Harry reached up to pull him down for another kiss as Louis carded his fingers through his curls. Stuttering breaths fell from Louis’ lips as Harry wrapped his hand around his cock and started to stroke him firmly. It didn’t take long before Louis felt his toes curling and heat pooling low in his stomach. He ached for release but he wanted more. He leant forward and pressed his lips against Harry’s neck. Placing kisses and gentle bites all the way up his neck, he stopped when his mouth was beside Harry’s ear. “Are you going to fuck me now?” he breathed into his ear.

The way Harry’s whole body seemed to shudder showed Louis how desperately Harry wanted to.

Pulling back a little, he looked into Louis’ eyes steadily. “Are you sure about this?” he asked a little hoarsely.

Returning the careful look, Louis replied simply, “Yes”.

That was all the confirmation Harry needed as he quickly reached over to his bedside table and ripped the top drawer open. He rummaged around for a few seconds before pulling back with a condom and a small bottle in his hand. Uncapping the bottle, he squeezed some gel into his hand and rubbed it across his fingers trying to warm it up. Harry locked eyes with Louis for a moment, silently seeking affirmation one last time. Leaning forwards, Louis pressed his lips against Harry’s as his answer. He shuffled as close as he could so that their chests were nearly pressed together and Harry moved his hand behind him. Slowly, he pushed one slick finger against Louis’ hole as Louis’ eyes fell shut. He tried to control his breathing as Harry pushed his finger inside before pulling it nearly all the way out again. Giving Louis time to adjust to the feeling, he repeated the action before adding a second finger. Louis grunted against the feeling; slight discomfort mixed with a clear ‘ _don’t stop’_. A red flush had spread across Louis’ chest and he could feel the heat throughout his whole body. Becoming impatient for more, he began to fuck himself against Harry’s fingers until a jolt passed through his entire body and almost shocked him into stillness. His eyes flew open as a pleasure filled cry fell from his lips.

“More Harry,” he whispered as he leant forward again, “I want more.”

Obviously, Harry wanted the same thing because he pulled his fingers away. He tore open the condom packet and rolled it onto himself, before he squeezed out more lube and stroked his own painfully hard cock to cover it. Then he gripped Louis’ hips as Louis lowered himself down. Louis reached down and stroked Harry’s cock a few times before he felt it pressing against his arse. Once he was lined up, he tried to slow his breathing to relax himself as Harry pressed up inside him.

By the time Harry’s cock had filled him, Harry was shaking and clearly trying to hold himself back from thrusting into Louis’ heat and tightness. After a few moments of stillness, Louis leant forward and kissed Harry passionately as his hands twisted in his hair. He bit at his lower lip before lifting his hips slightly and bringing them back down. It was the signal that Harry had been waiting for and he finally allowed himself to move. His grip on Louis’ hips tightened as he thrust up as best as he could. It wasn’t the best position for him to be able to move that easily but Louis was happy to do the hard work. Sitting in Harry’s lap like this, getting fucked by him was incredibly hot and Louis found that he didn’t mind the strain he felt in his thighs from lifting himself up and down.

Louis’ hands twisted in Harry’s sweaty hair and gripped his shoulders tightly as he moved more quickly. Harry moved one hand from Louis’ hip and began to pump his cock in time with Louis’ movement above him.

“You are so… _fuck_ …so amazing,” Harry managed to grunt out between frantic kisses and the feeling of his orgasm building.

Louis moaned loudly as Harry thrust up just as he came back down. “Fuck…Harry…I’m nearly there.”

“Then come,” Harry panted. “I want to see you come.”

With a choked cry, Louis’ orgasm ripped through his body. He squeezed his eyes shut as he shook all over, feeling the warmth of his own come between himself and Harry. When he forced his eyes open, he saw Harry watching him with something that looked like awe on his face. His whole body was sensitive and his limbs felt weak but he carried on moving on Harry’s lap. It didn’t take much more before Harry’s grip on his hips tightened almost painfully. His hips bucked up forcefully and Louis felt his dick pulsing inside him as he came with a harsh cry.

Gently, Harry’s fingers stroked up his back and played with the hair at the base of Louis’ skull as he pulled him in for a lazy kiss. Then he pulled away and flopped back onto the bed with an exaggerated humph. Louis lifted himself slightly and dealt with the condom before following Harry’s lead and collapsing beside him on the bed. As soon as he had, Harry rolled to face him. The usual bright smile was on Harry’s face as he looked at Louis. “That was…not how I expected this evening to turn out,” he said slowly.

“Me neither,” Louis replied honestly.

Harry breathed deeply a few times. He closed his eyes for a while before looking at Louis again.

Louis shuffled closer and kissed Harry softly on the lips before he rolled over and closed his eyes. He felt a strong arm fall across his stomach as Harry slotted in behind him. It had been a long time since Louis had fallen asleep with someone cuddling him but now he remembered why he liked it so much.


	3. 3. An escape route of old routines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any feedback on this fic would be greatly appreciated. I'd love to know what you thought of it.
> 
> Chapter title from Biffy Clyro, 'Machines'.

3\. An escape route of old routines

 

Louis felt like he’d been woken up too soon; he didn’t feel ready to enter the land of the awake-folk but something had disturbed him from his sleep. Blearily, he opened his eyes and remembered the events of the previous evening. Looking over to his right, he saw Harry still fast asleep; spread out across the bed, face smushed into the pillow and breathing deeply. A small smile tugged at the corners of Louis’ mouth as he looked at him before he was distracted again. It was the tinkling sound of a message alert on his phone, repeating itself as it had been so far ignored. Carefully, so as not to disturb Harry, Louis rolled off the bed and located his jeans, which were in a heap on the floor, and patted them down until he found what he was looking for.

Lighting up the display, Louis immediately saw the start of a text message from Liam’s mum. He almost didn’t want to, but he still opened the message and read it quickly.

_Hello love, haven’t heard anything from you for a while so wanted to make sure you were doing alright. Seeing as it’ll be Liam’s birthday in a few weeks we wondered if you wanted to pop up for a visit? We’ve missed you. It’d be good to see you. Hope you’re ok. Karen xx_

Louis felt like a bucket of cold water had been poured over him. All the excitement and comfort of last night felt so wrong when he was faced with this reminder that Liam was gone and he was still missed by everyone.

What was he doing? Wasn’t he supposed to be still missing the love of his life? What would Liam’s family think of him for moving on? _Was_ he moving on? Wasn’t it too soon for that? Oh god, everyone would think he was terrible. Everyone would think he’d forgotten about Liam. He _hadn’t_ forgotten about Liam; he never would. What had he been thinking?

Everything was too much in that moment. His mind was racing with questions and doubt and self-loathing. He’d made a terrible mistake. He wasn’t ready to do this; he couldn’t do this. How could he have slept with Harry? His mind seemed to stall there: he’d slept with Harry. Harry, who’d been nothing but wonderful to him and had become his friend. Harry, who was bright and full of life and didn’t deserve to be dragged into Louis’ misery and guilt. Harry, who was still fast asleep in his bed and blissfully unaware of Louis freaking out.

Louis had to leave. He couldn’t be there when Harry woke up. He couldn’t face him.

As quickly as he could, Louis gathered up his clothes and pulled them on. He looked at Harry sadly as he slipped his phone back into his pocket. It took a moment before he could tear his eyes away, then he walked out of the bedroom, out of the flat and away from Harry.     

***

By lunchtime, Louis had ignored a phone call and two texts from Harry. The texts carried a tone of concern, checking that Louis was alright and wondering where he had disappeared to. Louis didn’t reply. He couldn’t; what was he supposed to say?

Harry didn’t text him again that day or the next. He didn’t make any attempt to contact Louis after that first day but that didn’t make Louis feel better. Louis had totally avoided Starbucks for fear of bumping into Harry and turned down any social events that Niall or Zayn suggested. He found himself sinking back into his pit of depression. The spark of Harry’s light had lifted Louis’ spirit but now it had been snuffed out and Louis felt like he only had himself to blame.

Niall had grilled Louis about what had happened between them. Louis had silently freaked out that Harry had told him everything but it seemed that Niall was totally in the dark. He just wondered whether Louis knew why Harry had seemed so down and out of character at work. Niall’s words only made Louis feel worse. As if it wasn’t bad enough that his own life was full of despair, now he had successfully managed to drag Harry down as well.

***

The 29th of August was a bad day for Louis. He rang in sick and holed up at his flat. It was the second of Liam’s birthdays that Liam hadn’t been there to celebrate, but the first had gone by in such a blur of pain and desolation for Louis that he had hardly even registered it. Now, he was fully coherent and in a state.

He hadn’t made the journey to Wolverhampton to visit Liam’s family. There was no way he could have looked them in the eye and he really couldn’t cope with their sadness on top of his own. Instead he planned on wallowing in his own self-pity; planning to be left alone with his misery.

Louis should have known that his plan wouldn’t work out. It was mid-afternoon when he heard a key scraping in the lock of his door and then Zayn was marching into his flat. He should have made sure the chain was across or maybe taken the spare key off Zayn at some point but it was too late for that now.

Louis didn’t move; he just sat on the sofa waiting for Zayn to give him the inevitable ‘talking-to’ about not wasting away in his flat.      

“What are you doing, Lou?” Zayn asked as he looked down at him.

“Sitting on the sofa,” Louis replied childishly.

“I can see that,” Zayn said patiently. “I’d like to know what you think you’re going to achieve though, apart from making yourself more miserable.”

“Maybe I’m happy to be miserable,” Louis retorted but then decided that that didn’t make any sense. “You do know what day it is, don’t you?” he snapped.

“Of course I do,” Zayn replied shortly. He sounded annoyed but Louis didn’t care. In truth, he didn’t know why he was acting like such a brat towards Zayn but he just felt like it. Maybe he just needed someone to take his problems out on.

“Why are you here?” Louis asked sharply.

“Because I was worried about you. Your mum called me, said she couldn’t get hold of you,” Zayn told him.

Louis huffed out a breath like Zayn was being ridiculous with his concern.

“I just wanted to be left _alone_. Can’t I just be left alone to be sad by myself?” Louis said.

“I spoke to Karen too,” Zayn ploughed on. “She was worried as well. She said you’d not gotten back to her about going up there. I think they’d really appreciate a visit.”

Zayn’s words struck a nerve with Louis as he remembered the morning he’d received the message from Liam’s mum and he immediately felt defensive. “God!” he shouted, throwing his hands in the air. “I just don’t want to deal with anyone else right now. I just want everyone to leave me alone.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit selfish? I think his parents deserve a bit more from you than that,” Zayn said angrily. He sounded like he was getting more and more pissed off with Louis’ attitude by the second. “You’re not the only one who misses Liam, you know. You don’t get the monopoly on grief.”

Louis pushed himself up from the sofa and glared at Zayn angrily. “He was _my_ boyfriend,” he ground out as he pointed to himself.

Something flashed in Zayn’s eyes before he snapped, “Yeah, well _I_ was in love with him long before he even _met_ _you_.”

Silence fell in the flat and for a long moment they just stared at one another. Zayn looked like he was about to be sick. His eyes were wider than Louis had ever seen and his hands were shaking.

Louis didn’t know what to say; his brain was still trying to process what he had just been told.

There must have only been a few seconds of silent staring, which felt like a lifetime, before Zayn spun around and all but ran out of Louis’ flat.

Louis sank down onto the sofa and stared at the spot where Zayn had been standing moments before. Everything seemed to be spiralling out of control and he just didn’t know how to deal with any of it.

***

The next few days were weird for Louis. He went back to work, went back to his routine (but continued to avoid Starbucks at lunchtimes) and carried on as best as he could with his life. But he didn’t hear anything from Zayn. That just wasn’t right. A day hadn’t gone by since Liam had died without Zayn calling round to see Louis or ringing him to check-in. Now there was silence.

Not that Louis had made any attempt to contact Zayn either. He had been left reeling by Zayn’s revelation and spent the last few days turning the words over in his mind. At first, it was utter shock that he felt but then the doubts began to creep into his mind. Had Liam known about Zayn’s feelings? There had never been any indication that he had. Zayn had obviously dedicated a lot of his energy to hiding his true feelings and Liam had never given any sign that he even had any suspicions.

Then Louis started questioning whether that was the plan. Had they actually been carrying on behind his back, having some secret affair? It didn’t take him long before he shook the thoughts out of his head and actually felt angry with himself for even thinking such a thing.

Liam had loved _him_ , not Zayn. And when he reminded himself of that fact, _that_ was when everything hit Louis like a truck. Zayn had been in love with Liam for years but he had never had that love returned in the same way. Liam had loved him as a best friend, someone who he’d done a lot of growing-up with but never as a partner for life. Louis had breezed into their lives and taken Liam’s love all for himself without even realising that he had probably broken Zayn’s heart in the process. Even after Liam had so cruelly been taken away from them, Zayn had stuck by Louis. Zayn had supported Louis though his grief even when his own devastation must have been crippling. That knowledge brought him to tears all over again but this time it wasn’t his own sadness and self-pity that caused it.

***

Louis had never felt anxious about speaking to Zayn before. Now, as he stood outside his door he did. He knocked before he could talk himself out of it and shifted from one foot to the other nervously as he waited. When Zayn pulled the door open, he looked surprised to see Louis for a moment before he too looked worried.

“Can we talk?” Louis asked quietly after the uncomfortable silence had gone on for far too long.

Zayn nodded once stiffly before he opened the door wider and allowed Louis to enter his flat.

Once they were in Zayn’s living room, they both sat down and seemed to be waiting for the other to start.

“I’m sorry,” Louis finally said when he realised that Zayn was sticking to the ‘strong-silent’ thing.

Zayn’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. “What for?” he asked, the first words that had left his lips since Louis had arrived.

Louis sighed deeply. “For the way I’ve behaved. I’ve spent so long dwelling on my own sadness that I never gave a thought to anyone else. I’ve been selfish. If at any point in all of this I’d stopped to think about anyone else I might have realised how you felt.”

Zayn’s look of shock had softened while Louis spoke but he still didn’t look like he was ready to speak.

“You’ve been such an amazing friend to me even though I didn’t deserve it. You must hate me and I wish…”

“I don’t hate you Lou,” Zayn cut him off before he could continue. “Of course I don’t hate you. Why would you even think that?”

“Because…well because Liam was with me. And you…you were _in love_ with him Zayn. I didn’t know,” Louis trailed off, not really knowing how to put everything he needed to say into words.

Taking a deep breath, Zayn looked at Louis steadily. “Yes…I was in love with him. I had been for a long time. But I didn’t ever tell him. You have to believe me that he didn’t know Lou, he wasn’t keeping anything from you.”

Louis felt something tight in his chest loosen at those words but he didn’t interrupt Zayn as he continued speaking.

“I guess…I was a coward. I was too scared to tell him and risk losing him as a friend. I just carried on as normal hoping that one day it would just happen for us like in some stupid movie. Then he met you…” Zayn was quiet for a moment as he looked at Louis sadly. “He met you and I knew he was going to fall for you from the first time he told me about you. I missed my chance. But that wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you and I certainly don’t hate you.”

Louis smiled weakly, feeling so terrible for Zayn, trying to imagine how he must have felt as Louis came bursting into their lives to steal Liam away.

“Maybe I _wanted_ to hate you at first,” Zayn continued. “But I couldn’t. I saw how happy Liam was with you, how he lit up whenever he mentioned your name. And after a while I realised that you were right for him. I suppose I also realised that you weren’t so bad after all.” Zayn smiled a little for the first time since Louis had arrived.

“Still,” Louis said, “I’ve been a bit of a git. I haven’t dealt with things very well and I’ve acted like the only one who was in pain. I am sorry for that Z.”

Zayn nodded like he accepted Louis’ apology and they fell into silence again. This time it wasn’t as uncomfortable as before but Louis knew that they still had some bridges to build between them.

Eventually, Zayn spoke again. “What’s been going on with you recently?”

Louis looked at him questioningly but secretly feared that he knew what Zayn was hinting at.

“I mean, you seemed to be doing so much better. You were actually happy, or at least you seemed it. Then you seemed to change again overnight,” Zayn told him.

Louis thought about how accurate that was; it was literally overnight that everything had gone wrong for him again. He put his head in his hands for a moment before he looked up at Zayn again. “I made a total fucking mess of everything,” he said eventually.

“You mean with Harry?” Zayn asked.

Louis nodded as he chewed on his bottom lip agitatedly.

“What happened, Lou?” Zayn continued. “You two were getting on so well. It was obvious that he really liked you and you two were getting closer all the time.”

“I know,” groaned Louis. “But I freaked out and now it’s just a mess.”

“Did you sleep with him?” Zayn asked simply.

Louis should have been shocked that Zayn had guessed what had gone on but Zayn had always seemed so perceptive that he wasn’t surprised at all. “Yes,” he nodded. “That night we’d been at the pub with Niall.”

“So…you slept together and you’ve made a ‘total fucking mess of everything’”, Zayn quoted Louis. “What did you do?”

“I walked out on him in the morning. I just snuck out and left him.”

Zayn cocked his eyebrow and shook his head slightly in disapproval, “Why?”

“I just freaked out,” Louis said miserably. “I suddenly thought that it was too soon to be moving on and what would everyone think. I didn’t want to betray Liam.”

“Lou,” Zayn said gently, “You aren’t betraying him by being happy again. You can’t spend the rest of your life alone and miserable. Harry was making you happy and nobody would begrudge you that. You deserve to be happy. It doesn’t mean you don’t still miss Li and it doesn’t mean that you’ve forgotten about him or you’ve stopped loving him.”

Louis shook his head sadly, “It doesn’t matter now anyway. I’ve messed it up. I haven’t spoken to Harry since and I’m sure he probably hates me right now.”

Zayn looked at him with a thoughtful expression on his face. He took a deep breath before he spoke again. “Don’t just assume that there’s no hope. You should at least try to talk to him and explain. You shouldn’t…you shouldn’t let the chance to be happy slip through your fingers. Take it from me…I know what I’m talking about.”

Louis winced slightly at Zayn’s words. “But it’s not the same…I’m not _in love_ with Harry.”

“Maybe not,” Zayn shrugged, “But even so, he makes you happy and who knows where it could lead. If you don’t seize this opportunity to be happy, I promise you, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

It was obvious that Zayn was speaking straight from the heart. His words were so powerful. He knew how it felt to watch his chance slip away. Louis made his decision there and then; he was going to try to make things right with Harry.

***

It took a few days for Louis to build up the nerve to speak to Harry. He didn’t want to send a text or make a phone call that Harry had every right to ignore so, for some reason that had seemed like a good idea at the time, Louis found himself at the hospital.

On entering the busy A&E department, Louis thought that he had no chance of actually finding Harry. He had asked Niall what shifts Harry would be working so he could come down at the right time. He stood, a little bemused for a while, just watching the comings and goings of the department. Just as he was considering going to the desk to ask where he might find him, Harry rounded the corner quickly. He was dressed in his hospital uniform, curly hair pulled away from his face by a headband, carrying a roll of clear tubing. He was looking across the crowd of patients in the waiting area but he stopped in his tracks when his eyes landed on Louis. A range of emotions flickered across his face in a matter of seconds. Then he seemed to clench his jaw and walked towards Louis purposefully.

“What are you doing here Louis?” he asked in greeting.

Louis felt like shit as he stood there looking at him. “I wanted,” he began quietly, then cleared his throat and tried again. “I was hoping I could talk to you.”

Harry looked around the busy waiting area and then back at Louis. “I’m kind of busy right now. I can’t just drop everything so we can talk.”

It seemed so unlike Harry’s usual way but Louis knew he deserved the harsh treatment; he knew that it was his behaviour that had caused Harry to act that way.

Harry blew out a long breath as if he was trying to calm himself somehow before he spoke again. “My shift finishes at eight. Give me chance to get home and get sorted and you can come over. We can talk then.”

Louis smiled but tried to control it so that he didn’t look too overly confident before saying a quiet “Thank you Harry”.

Harry nodded once quickly before he turned around and walked away immediately.

***

It was past nine o’clock when Louis finally knocked on the door of Harry’s flat. He hadn’t wanted to arrive too early and seem like he was trying to rush Harry but he also hadn’t wanted to leave it too late for fear that Harry would assume that he was messing him about and wasn’t actually coming. He had hovered surreptitiously outside the flats for a while before finally deciding he just had to get on with it.

When Harry opened the door, the neutral expression on his face made Louis long to see his bright smile and dimples appearing in his cheeks. He still didn’t smile as he turned around and led Louis into his living room. Once there, he turned around to face Louis, crossed his arms over his chest and looked at him expectantly.

When Louis hesitated, Harry started the conversation, “So, you wanted to talk.”

“Yes,” Louis finally found his voice. “I wanted to apologise…for how I’ve treated you.”

Harry’s facial expression didn’t alter in any way and he didn’t speak, he just continued to look at Louis.

“I know I’ve been a dickhead,” Louis continued. “I shouldn’t have just snuck out on you like that. And even when I had, I should have had the nerve to talk to you instead of just ignoring you. It wasn’t your fault. It was all me…I just kind of freaked out and didn’t know what to do except run away and hide.”

While Louis had been speaking, Harry’s face had softened a little and his arms had moved from their position across his chest. “You made me feel like some one night stand that meant nothing to you…like a mistake,” Harry said sadly.

“I know,” Louis said as he looked down at his shoes.

“I asked you if you were sure. I didn’t want you to regret it in the morning,” Harry said.

Louis looked back up at him. “I didn’t _regret_ it. I just panicked. I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that I liked you…that I was moving on. I’m so sorry Harry…I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

The tension seemed to leave Harry as he slowly sat down in an armchair. He sighed deeply again. “I really like you Louis,” he said as he looked at him steadily. “I’m not angry with you; I was at first but not anymore. But…I don’t…I don’t think it’s the right time for us.”

Louis opened his mouth to protest but Harry continued talking. “It wouldn’t be fair on either of us to start something now. You said yourself, you don’t know how to deal with the fact that you’re moving on. You need some time to get your head straight before you start a new relationship. And, as much as I like you, I can’t be with you while I know that you’re not ready. I would _never_ try to replace Liam and I would never expect you to stop loving him but you need to get to a place in your life where you can accept something new without feeling guilty about it or freaking out. You need to get there in your own time.”

Louis knew that what Harry was saying made sense. He knew that he needed to sort out his own muddled emotions and get his life back on track. He knew that he needed to repair his damaged heart before he could consider sharing it with anyone else.

“You always say exactly the right thing,” Louis said with a slight smile.

Harry smiled too then before he pushed himself out of his chair. They walked to the door and Harry looked at him fondly. “Maybe I’ll see you in Starbucks sometime,” he said gently.

Louis pulled him into a brief hug. Then he nodded with a smile before letting himself out.

***

December had crept up on Louis. He blamed the fact that the shops and TV adverts all seemed to start shoving Christmas down everyone’s throats from the end of September onwards so when December actually arrived no-one noticed.

Louis was actually looking forward to Christmas this year but that didn’t mean he was organised. He wondered again how he had managed to get to the middle of December and not even _thought_ about what to buy anyone. He planned to use his day off to get started.

The fact that he was participating in the festivities was a massive positive step for Louis. The last few months had been a period of change for him. He had broken away from the routine that he had clung to since Liam had died. He had realised that at first he probably did need it just to make sure he could get through each day without having a breakdown. But now he felt stronger; he didn’t need to follow the same structure constantly. Small things that were out of the ordinary weren’t going to tip him over the edge; he wasn’t going to become an inconsolable heap on the floor if something reminded him of Liam. Of course he still had to have some routine, everyone that held down a steady job had to, but he was also so much more willing to go out and socialise or visit new places.

The past few months had given him the chance to start repairing relationships that had been damaged as he had been languishing in grief. He had made the effort to rebuild his friendship with Zayn, ensuring that it was no longer so one sided. He had spent more time with Niall, actually making the effort to invite _him_ out for drinks for a change.

Visiting Liam’s family had been something that Louis had been dreading. He hadn’t been to see them for so long that he was sure that they would be angry with him. They weren’t. They had pulled him in for such a long, comforting hug when he had arrived at their house that he wondered why he’d been so nervous. He had apologised profusely for being so distant but they had dismissed his apologies with completely unconditional understanding. Louis knew he was incredibly lucky. Liam’s family were on the long list of presents that Louis had to buy. Just something small, but something to show that he was grateful to them.

Louis was armed with his wallet and his phone with a list of who to buy for but no present ideas yet. His plan was to call into Starbucks en route, grab a tea and start compiling suggestions for each person on the list. Louis hadn’t been avoiding Starbucks but as part of his change in routine he hadn’t been calling in every day at lunchtime anymore. He popped in every so often but was not a ‘regular’ these days.        

He pushed open the door and was pleased to see that there was only one other person in front of him in the queue. After he had ordered his tea, he looked around the shop and his eyes landed on a mop of curly brown hair bowed over a newspaper, a bottle of water and what looked like a fruit salad on the table. Louis felt his stomach do a little flip flop but it was a pleasant feeling, like a thrill of excitement.

Collecting his tea, he took a deep breath and walked over to the table. Without giving it any further thought, he slipped into the seat across from Harry. Harry looked up in surprise which didn’t fade when he saw Louis sitting opposite him.

“Have you ever wondered who the first person to eat a pineapple was?” Louis asked with an almost serious look on his face.

The beginnings of a smile tugged at Harry’s mouth.

“I mean,” Louis continued, “who looked at a pineapple and thought, ‘Mmm, that looks tasty with those spiky brown bits sticking out all over it. That’ll be nice when I chew on it.’?”

Harry laughed and then beamed at Louis with his smile as wide and happy as Louis had ever seen it. “Yeah, well what about the kiwi? You’re not telling me that they look appetising from the outside,” he said as he continued to smile at Louis.

And that was it. They fell into a ridiculous, but wonderfully easy, conversation about the most bizarre looking fruits and Louis somehow felt like he was finally ready to really start living again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've left this with a rather 'open' ending and that's not something I usually do. I'm a tie-it-up with a little bow type of writer who doesn't tend to like loose-ends but this was how I felt this story wanted to end. I'd love some feedback to know how it sat with you as a reader. Thank you for reading and thank you in advance for any feedback (kudos or comments).


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